Not A Part-Time Disability by Audrey Kilbreath
Bipolar in the Workplace
A blurry photograph in greyscale of a woman moving her head from side to side.
Living with Bipolar II disorder has never been easy. It involves long periods of depression, interspersed with episodes of hypomania (a lesser form of mania). I experience a rapid-cycling form of this illness, where ups and downs occur close together. Therefore, at my 9 to 5 job, I could go above and beyond expectations during a state of hypomania, working between my desk and with the public in a flurry of industriousness. However, the very next day I could phone in sick, unable to leave my bed.
When calling in sick, I could barely mumble, “I’m not feeling well, I can’t come into work today,” and hang up quickly to avoid questioning. I felt self-conscious, assuming people would label me as ‘crazy,’ or deny I had a real medical condition. This self-protective secrecy, and the sporadic nature of my illness, created suspicion. Rumours circulated that I was lazy, making up excuses to miss work. Those who formed their opinion on these unfounded accusations treated me poorly, and it escalated to the point of having to report their behaviour to Human Resources. If they had demonstrated genuine concern, as opposed to prejudging, it would have created a better working atmosphere for everyone, including myself. Instead, they generated undue tension, and my depression and anxiety worsened.
Troublesome Times
A Woman Wearing Eyeglasses In Grayscale, looking down with her hair piled on top of her head in a bun. Photo by Elina Araja on Pexels.
Partway through my 12-month position, I had a mental breakdown. I told my boss I was in the hospital and wasn’t sure when I could return to work. He was very understanding and didn’t ask any prying questions, but rather accepted what was happening and adapted to it, much like my sick days.
A well-meaning co-worker called the hospital and found out I was in the psychiatric ward. She told my work friends, and they collectively decided not to tell others. Like me, they feared some might criticize, or try to invalidate my illness. She later stated, “I can’t imagine having mental issues while working at this place,” noting the very unhealthy emotional environment. She was very supportive, which made me feel better about returning to work. I really appreciated her kindness.
While away, my boss was replaced. The new boss kept calling, asking for a return-to-work date, but when I phoned to let her know I would be returning on Monday, I was met with a well-worded, ‘don’t bother coming back.’ Although I only had about a month left in my term, I was offered no reason why my position was ending early. I felt no closure and suspected my health played a role in that decision.
New Beginnings
I started a new job, but anxiety reared its ugly head, and I often found myself in the bathroom throwing up. I wore long-sleeve sweaters amidst the summer heat to hide self-harm. It was hard to arrive on time in the mornings, as my medications made me sleepy, and it was difficult to concentrate on basic tasks. I was also misdiagnosed as having major depression, (my Bipolar II diagnosis came later) therefore the medications were not working properly.
After a while, I recognized I could not do my job effectively; I was just too sick. Both the quality and quantity of my work were suffering. I also had a lot of unpaid sick leave, which affected both the company and my own finances.
Woman Placing Her Finger Between Her Lips, which have tape in the shape of an X across them. Photo by Kat Smith on Pexels.
I approached my boss to reveal why I was missing work, and how my condition was negatively impacting my performance. My boss curtly stated, “I don’t want to know. Take it up with HR.” I wish I would have received some form of moral support or a hearing ear, but she didn’t want to get involved.
At a performance review, my boss gave me a failing grade for ‘reliability.’ An HR representative was present, so after the review, I tried to explain how my emotional condition was affecting my dependability. I wanted to write my side of the story in the ‘employee comments’ section, but she refused to hand the paper back, denying any sort of link between reliability and my mental illness. I felt misunderstood and quite dejected.
HR suggested I work afternoons and have mornings covered by part-time disability. However, I found out the hard way that Bipolar II is not a part-time ailment. I could not allow depression to run its course during my time off, then work during periods of hypomania.
Improvements
A woman wearing a black shirt with white text that reads “Mental Health Matters”. Photo by Matthew Ball on Unsplash.
I finally realized I had to accept the provision of long-term disability. I was properly diagnosed with Bipolar II and put on new medications. I gained clarity of mind I hadn’t experienced in years. Not having to work anymore allowed for much-needed time to learn coping strategies, and come to terms with my illness. I am still not well enough to work, but my mental health has improved immensely.
Overall, people with mental disabilities are greatly misunderstood. Sufferers get labelled as lazy, unreliable people when in reality we are just trying to get by. I kept things hidden due to the stigma of mental illness, and it’s unfortunate I felt I had to. Not only did it prevent me from possibly getting help earlier, but it made for a tense environment, and caused relationships to crumble. If someone is struggling, we can all make a difference by simply talking, listening, and caring. We need better communication and support for people with mental illness moving forward. Nevertheless, I hope my experience contributes to mental health awareness in the workplace.
About the Author
Audrey Kilbreath holds a BA from the University of Regina in English Studies and Psychology. Her favourite pastime is writing; from personal essays, to poetry, to children’s stories. She lives in Weyburn, Saskatchewan with her husband Jachin.
Explore Possible
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